The Words that Needed Said
by oysteinsevag
Summary: An appearance at the door, a conversation between two people, sometimes talking and listening IS necessary. Spoilers for S4. One-Shot.


Today was the day. She had waited nearly three months, three months of recovery, three months of silence, three months of quiet. Now, at long last, the three months were over and for the first time in three months she was going to talk. Today she was going to say what needed said; today she was going to be strong. She had waited for strength to return, waited for some sign that what she had to say would be heard; she was still waiting.

As she stepped up to the door poised to knock she knew that whatever would be said could never be taken back; once she crossed this threshold she would be forced to live with the consequences whatever they might be. That thought had her hesitating. While she knew that speaking so openly would be difficult, it would be harder to let these words go unsaid. If something happened in the coming months and she did not say what she needed too, she would never forgive herself. With a new resolve she brought her knuckles hard to the door, the sound on the wood echoing through the hallway.

Somewhere deep within she heard noise, the shuffle of footsteps. Hearing someone on the other side of the door unlocking the chain and turning the latch she took a breath to calm herself and prepare for whatever was on the opposite side of the door. She first noticed surprise in the face that appeared at the door, but as green eyes met blue that shock turned to understanding. Immediately, the door was opened wide, and she was motioned inside. No words were exchanged; right now words were not necessary.

"I think I know why you are here."

"I don't think you do."

"Maybe not, but I can guess."

"If you knew, I would not need to be here."

"What makes you think I have not thought about this as well?"

This made her pause, she had never considered that; never once entertained the notion that she was not alone in this. She was the one who had been terrified; she was the one who lived through the separation, twice. She was the one who had the most to lose. But looking at the person standing across from her she saw the same pain, the same doubt, the same fear. She knew instantly that the person across from her felt the same way.

"You could stop it."

"You and I both know I could never do that."

"You never tried."

"I tried more than you know."

"Not hard enough."

"Perhaps"

They stood at opposite sides of the kitchen table, one in the living room the other leaning against the stove. They were staring each other down, waiting for the other to break. Both were far too intelligent, honest and stubborn for their own good. They both wanted the same thing, what was best for everyone. Right now though, neither knew how to get what they wanted.

"You can end this now."

"You forget, this was never my choice."

"That's crap."

"It's the truth. At the end of the day nothing I could do, or have done would change where we are now."

"Why?" She said in a voice so small, and so scared it could scarcely be heard.

"Because, we cannot control everyone."

"You control him."

"No. I don't. No more than you do, or your grandmother. He is a force unto himself." The older woman replied. "If I had any control over him, we would not be talking now."

"You are not talking now."

"That's not what I mean, and you know it." The tall brunette walked to the table, and sat down. She was breathing heavily now. The stress of the conversation and the weight behind it began to press on her chest. She could feel the tension mounting as the silence grew between them. Looking across at the young lady standing so resolutely Kate broke. She had been in this situation before; she knew what it was like to live with the anxiety, the worry, and the doubt.

"I just want him back. I want the guy who was happy and fun, the person I came home to that was so excited to ask me about my day. He made me, me. Now, now he is different; he has been different for a while, but nothing like he is now." The words tumbled out, quickly, filled with pain.

"Make him stand down." Alexis begged, as an errant tear slipped free and streamed down her cheek. At that Kate rose out of her chair and produced a box of tissues from the end table next to the couch, motioning to the young girl to take a seat.

Finally the redhead relented, carefully pulling the chair out away from the table and settling in. Neither spoke. Kate bustled around the kitchen, putting the teapot on the stove to boil. As Alexis watched the recovering detective poking through the kitchen cabinets she also saw the hesitation in her movements. Every step the brunette took was measured; every turn she made in the small space was achieved by shifting her whole body, not just her torso. She saw pain ripple across every line of Kate's body. The detective was good at hiding it, but Alexis knew that she was in agony; somehow she could see it. Slowly she stood and walked over to the older woman, taking the mugs out of her hands and putting them on the table. Kate took this as her cue to sit back down.

"What do you want?"

"There is a can of cocoa on the counter. I cannot have a lot of caffeine yet." Alexis finished the task of filling the cups with the hot water and chocolate powder. "My Mom and I used to drink hot chocolate when we had our 'serious' talks. It always made everything a little easier to take in."

"Mmm." Alexis replied as she moved to reclaim her seat across the table. "You're still in pain."

"I always will be." Kate replied, she had recovered from the shooting, but trauma that serious leaves scars and pains that can never be erased or eradicated. As she looked at Alexis she saw a girl on the brink of adulthood, poised to take on new challenges, she also saw a child terrified of the obstacles ahead. She wished in that moment she could give her all the answers to the questions she would face, if only to save her some of the bumps in the road she herself experienced. But Kate knew that was impossible, instead she waited; her fingers wrapped delicately around the mug taking in the heat of the beverage, while the smell of the cocoa wafted through the air enveloping her in memories of calm conversations with her mother.

Together they sat in silence unasked and unanswered questions hanging in the air between them. Finally, as Alexis noted Kate's breathing steadying out once gain she plucked up the courage to begin speaking again.

"Why are you going back?"

"Because I must. Because it's who I am."

"It's not all you are. If you were nothing more than your job, Dad would have walked away years ago."

"Your father has the ability to write a backstory independent of reality. His imagination has no limits."

Alexis looked at Kate, she was shocked the detective did not know, amazed the detective could not see what she herself saw so clearly.

"You don't get it. It's who you choose to be. You are so much more, even I can see that much. Who you are is someone who cares so much about those around them; you take on their pain, while you wallow in your own pain, your own misery. You have created your own private torture, because you feel you have no right to anything else." She replied, the last sentence rolling off her tongue more a pained plea than statement. "You are destroying yourself."

With the last comment the women regarded each other, dark storms ferociously staring down angry seas.

"You are bringing him with you. Can't you see that?" At last Alexis could breathe again. She had said what she needed to say. What surprised her was the sadness she saw in Kate's eyes.

"I do. I wish I could stop him. If you have figured it out, tell me how to stop him."

"I came to you because I don't know how." Her voice broke, and the last words were a plea, a prayer, and a cry. For the first time in her life Alexis had no idea how to reach her father, and the one person she thought she could count on to reach him did not even know herself. For the first time she realized what it was like to be an adult, to not have all the answers and to live in a world of uncertainty.

Kate saw the change immediately; she saw the subtle change the moment it happened. Alexis' eyes went dark, what were seas of emotion became hard. Blue diamonds, clear and crystalline but hard as ice. In that moment the girl in front of her begging for a way to rescue her father became a woman with new priorities. Kate knew that moment all too well, she remembered her own moment of clarity, and the startling realization that she made with it. People are fallible; they are fragile. Kate realized many years ago what Alexis was coming to know in that moment. That to cause change, you must first change yourself.

While today Kate was growing and bending, opening herself more. Alexis realized she must follow the older woman's lead. To survive the changes happening to her father she herself must adapt. While that did not mean she needed to be a completely different person, it did mean she needed to change the way she interacted with him. She could still have a good relationship with him, he would always be her father, her rock, her ballast in the storm; but she knew that he could no longer be her world. Alexis recognized that as important as he was in her life, he could not be the driving force in her life.

Looking across at Kate, as she sat sipping her cocoa, she saw a woman who had been broken and was slowly putting herself back together following numerous tragedies. Alexis did not want that life for herself, she wanted to stand on her own, to look at the future and not be forever haunted by the past. She knew that as much as she would forever need her father for his love and unyielding support that she realized that no matter what happened he would always be her Dad.

Richard Castle was the man who had tucked her in at night, who made her soup when she was sick, who created stories that chased the monsters away. Yes, she would always worry about him as she would about all the people that she loved, but she would no longer worry for him. Alexis could see in the detective what damage chasing after the past could do to a person. In that moment she resolved to be strong; to speak her mind, to no longer be the daughter who sits idly by, watching as the world changes around her.

"I'm going to ask him not to go back." She said after careful consideration.

"I figured you might. Perhaps you will get him to do what I never could. Stay home."

"Maybe," Alexis replied. "If he asks you what to do, what will you say?"

Kate looked up from the depths of her mug and looked the girl in the eyes, her face serious.

"I don't know. I want to say that I will tell him no, that I will force him out. But now, after everything, if he chooses to come back…"

"You left him with silence for the past three months. Why did you tell him you needed time to think if you still have no idea what to do now?"

"I needed to figure out who I was first. A lot has happened over the past year, to me, to my friends, to my family. I needed to find Kate again." She paused. "But, all I have found is more questions. A lot of them revolve around your Dad. Look, I don't have a good answer for you; I won't have one for a while. All I can say is that if you ask me to ask him to leave I will, for you."

At that the younger woman looked up, and saw the truth. Kate was willing to walk away, for her. She could see the older woman's compassion, understanding and love. Again the detective was taking on the pains and burdens of another, it was the most selfless act she had ever experienced. Alexis could see that this decision would hurt Kate, that she was willing to forever cut ties with her father to make her comfortable.

Alexis stood up from the table, she picked up her mug, and Kate's and placed them in the sink. Turning around she looked at the detective and came to a decision.

"Thank you."

"You know you can always come to me. For anything, anytime." Kate said while standing.

"I know." Alexis came to the conclusion that this was the end of their conversation. "He will come to you after we talk."

"I know." She replied as she walked the young redhead to the door. "I won't tell him we talked."

Alexis opened the door and stepped out into the hall.

"Just tell him the truth, the words that need to be said. That's enough for now."

With that final comment the she turned and walked down the hall; leaving the decision of what to say for the detective to determine in the moment. Alexis knew that no matter what happened she was walking away from the woman she had admired from afar with new eyes, and for that she would forever be grateful, no matter what would come in the future.

* * *

><p><em>I know I know it's been forever since I have posted. But this came to me and I just had to get it out of my brain. I am now in China, and like everyone else I am waiting for the premiere this evening. I hope you enjoyed this little detour on the road to the premiere, not that I think this will happen, but I think in some universe this COULD happen. I hope I captured the characters and who they are today. If you enjoyed it let me know. <em>

_~R_


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